In a fog….

It feels as if I’m in a foggy place right at this moment, I can’t see clearly, I can’t think, everywhere I look there’s fog.  I have to confess that my favorite kind of weather is a cloudy rainy day, specially at the beach, I get tired of so many days of sun out there in Texas.  But I do not like this cloudy/foggy place where my mind is right now, not at all.

I’ve been visiting my parents in Mexico, helping my mom and keeping her company since my dad is battling cancer.  It’s been such an emotional and hard visit.  I have never ever seen my father this weak this fragile.  This is the first time in my life I’ve had to deal with a situation like this, it is without a doubt the worst episode in my life, having problems in  my marriage, dealing with anxiety and depression are nothing compared to seeing how my father is dying little by little.

Nothing can prepare us for moments like this.  It’s been a heartbreaking experience and I don’t wish this upon anybody.  To see my father laying there all day unable to move is upsetting. Every time I hear my father moaning and screaming out of pain, asking God to help him my heart breaks a little, my soul shatters in pieces; there’s nothing I can do to help him, there’s nothing I can say to make him feel better.

Next week I have to go back home and I am very scared to leave.  What if he goes while I’m not here?  What do I do? How can I deal with this?

I know for sure that when I leave I’m leaving behind part of my heart and my soul with my father.  I hope that he can feel my love while I’m not here.

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